Placing a child in the position of having to be loyal to one parent at the expense of the other parent is heinous and very damaging to the child. Hey, that kind of worked for me. What makes a person so hard to please or so unwilling to be predictable? Agree i cant imagine being receptive to spending time with my dad when it consists of him mocking what my 12-year old self likes AND assigning me reading assignments. Im from PA, and I watched entirely too much This Old House as a child. The daughter will then learn to respond in similar (asking others about their hobbies, showing genuine interest, accepting of differing hobbies). I agree with everything Wendy said, and your daughter will certainly benefit from spending quality time with him, even if they arent doing things that she necessarily enjoys. Oh and shes also going hiking with her dad this weekend because I told her to suck it up and get her ass in gear and tell her dad she wants to go, oh and shes also taking spinning classes with him this fall because her size 0 ass isnt gonna last forever with the way she eats spaghetti since she shares my DNA. My daughter is driving my husband away | Talk About Marriage What to Do If Your Child's Behavior Is Ruining Your - Lifehacker When combined with the eye rolling and disparaging, that all adds up to he isnt joking about it. I never did the gross stuff either. July 2, 2013, 11:56 am. I discovered them in college and came home like, HOW DID YOU NOT TELL ME ABOUT THIS? Man, thinking about those early teenage years still strikes a nerve. It has legitimate and, imo, unassailable value in sparking the imaginations and intellectualism of people. As a mum who has exactly the same issue, I cant help but feel that this advice missed the point. Highlight their special talents and abilities. My husband is an OK-ish dad when he does spend time with Petunia, but I think he is very happy with his bachelorlike life, since I basically serve as a full-time cleaning lady and chef, and I. He does not say that to her but expresses it to me. If his dad had listened when my husband wanted to talk when he was a boy, perhaps my husband would listen to his dad now. I still think hes acting out like a child. Yeah, the letter makes me really concerned for their marriage. Hes so dreamy, if not annoyingly alpha-male-y. He is also very critical of both of us, but particularly of her lack of competitiveness (she hates team sports, and takes archery and piano but only for fun), lack of initiative, and being uninformed, to the extent that he gives her assignments, like reading articles from National Geographic and discussing them with him, which, of course, she resents. She occasionally plays them with her friends but she could care less whether she wins or loses because she doesnt care for them and so she isnt invested in the game. I was in bed, asleep. Skyblossom But I also honestly think that the husband/dad might not be such a jerk face if he wasnt 100% put on the back burner. Whether it be balance sports with history, Buffy with science, it doesnt matter. He also occasionally went to movies with us. I thought The Crucible was awful, but I definitely went to Salem this winter and got really into the witch trials and all the history there. If you dont find the info you need in this column, please visit the Dear Wendy archives or the forums (you can even start your own thread), do a search in the search bar, or submit a question for advice at wendy(AT)dearwendy.com. Im sure BOTH the LW ~and~ her husband could benefit from those. But while we would toss a softball back and forth to help me work on not flinching, he would let me rattle on and on about whatever inane thing had my interest (I didnt read much fiction, beyond Harry Potter, but I read a lot of nature books, so I would talk about whatever animal I had been reading about recently. Would I have said, at 12 or 13, Hey Dad, hows about a trip to Home Depot on this fine Sunday? Tell you daughter its important she spend time with her dad and why. Sorry Wendy (and LW) I think your answer was as wrong as it was long. Mother of a Fangirl. July 2, 2013, 3:14 pm. It was nothing but glassy-eyed stares and yawning. And, yes, you ARE being greedy, because as much as your daughter may genuinely enjoy your time together pursuing interests you both share, she is missing out on a relationship with her dad and all the things he can teach her through his interests. You and your husband are partners and your job is to guide your daughter lovingly into adulthood, giving her all the tools you can to be independent, strong, and self-assured. Actually, we dont know this girl but based on this letter, I think that the father is very concerned that she isnt well rounded. July 2, 2013, 1:26 pm. We and our partners use data for Personalised ads and content, ad and content measurement, audience insights and product development. You can see it in the fighting. Now a couple of days ago I made a mistake and got behind the wheel of a car after having a few drinks and got a DUI. Weird. He's been this way for some time, so I suspect he will not change quickly nor easily. Do not let that behavior continue. Should A Parent Love Their Child More Than Their Spouse? Or if shes interested in other fantasy series (ex. This sounds a lot like my childhood! She may come to appreciate some of her dads interests in time, but I hardly think forcing them down her throat is a good way to do that. Most certainly. July 2, 2013, 11:53 am. I wonder about the contempt or underlying sexism expressed in the fathers attitude. I cried myself to sleep. Now Im crying at my desk, for some reason. Things they like, things they sorta like, things they dont like. And for your husband to expect your daughter to have more than your own vapid interests, REALLY doesnt make him a bad parent. Isnt there something vampiry that could also lead to a talk about scifi which leads to something the dad may like!?! What To Do When My Husband Is Driving My Daughter Away? And LW, just because there is communicating going on around you doesnt mean that your family has good, healthy, communication. He can take care of himself." Like many women,. Um, no. That was my guess too. Oh, This Old House. You got a long with him just fine before she got in to this stage in life, and you need to act like a grown-up every once in a while, because this guys is losing his wife and his daughter, partly because you want to be her friend more than her parent all of the time. I must just not be seeing things clearly. Not seeing their daughters as people who can make good decisions. Because my dad took the time to foster this in me, it has not only made my relationship with him stronger, but with others as well. Youre right, though. Actually, my husbands a pretty big fanboy in general. Shes pulling away because hes hypercritical of her AND their daughter. Hed had a lot to drink and wanted sex right then. I was thinking this too. Please implore him to realize that if one of your daughters peers was reacting similarly to her, the two of you would deplore that child as a Mean Kid. July 2, 2013, 1:01 pm. Camping? . Ha! And thats always stuck with me, and I find myself thinking about it a lot whenever theres something I dont want to do but that I know is the right thing. If youre experiencing any of these issues in your marriage, its important to talk to your daughter about how youre feeling and why youve decided to stay in the relationship despite being unhappy. I would suggest planning outings for just your husband and your daughter maybe to an arcade, out to a movie, mini golf,etc so that they can spend time together by themselves. I had his favorite dinner prepared and all possible distractions blocked. My mom and I enjoyed science fiction and fantasy books, while my dad liked hunting and only has read maybe 10 books in his life. I had and to some extent probably still have some self-esteem issues that stemmed from my dads iffy parenting. Its rude to disparage someones interests, roll your eyes at them when they talk about them, tell them to stop talking about it because youre annoyed. The meaning of driving a car in a dream - WellBeing Magazine For example, younger children may not be able to express themselves as well and may need help doing so. I would call that well-rounded. And then it was like ok, you dont have to do that (not that I ever DID have to, I wanted to go, and then discovered it sucked). He even told me the next day that he was the luckiest guy in the world. Okay, Harry Potter maybe. She doesnt want counseling, but maybe parenting classes? So yes, foster her interests, but cultivate in her an ability to relate to other people and appreciate their interests too. July 2, 2013, 4:19 pm. Not while professing such love for me and genuinely remorseful when Im upset. A perfect starting point would be just a general interest activity, like board games or going to get ice cream. So, yes, encourage your daughter to take an interest what your husband likes. My mom begged me to stay close so I went to one about 3 hours away but it was in the city she grew up in and all of my family was there. lets_be_honest ). But sometimes, this relationship can be strained. LW, what kind of music does your husband like? He broadened my view of the world, showed me things that I wouldnt have seen without him. Either the Dads behavior is bad enough that she needs to draw a line and tell him to stop with the eye-rolling and turning off the TV for no good reason; or it isnt and she needs to prioritize her marriage and get back to being team parent. But I wouldnt have done any of those things if my parents let me do what I wanted whenever I wanted. I think I read this differently than Wendy. My father did not appreciate the pop culture stuff and always reminded me that I was smarter than this. Older and (hopefully) wiser Well, how nice for you that your 12-year-old daughter is interested in all the same things youre interested in! But no amount of time spent is going to make an experience with someone who doesnt really respect you as you are more enjoyable. So theres no harm in him humoring her while it lasts (& for gods sake, letting her play a couple One Direction songs or whatever in the car). Spyglassez 1. Yet, while lamenting that they are not closer, he simply refuses to engage with her on these subjects. If the father wants his daughter to respect his interests, then he needs to be the adult and show her how adults should behave and respect hers. Every time I try to get ahead of the game, I feel like the rug is pulled out. I definitely DONT think my experience and this familys are similar. Ask the dentist: Why can some people not cope with the word 'fat'? But he also doesnt need to pretend to like whatever she is in to. July 2, 2013, 11:57 am. I said that she is acting like she has nothing in common with her husband anymore, because she likes the samethings as her daughter, and that is all she ever talks about. Sometimes that means taking a step back and letting things calm down before you try to mediate. I honestly think both parents are at fault. There are a few things that you can do to resolve the conflict between your husband and daughter: if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[320,50],'therelationshipnotes_com-leader-2','ezslot_12',132,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-leader-2-0');if(typeof ez_ad_units!='undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[320,50],'therelationshipnotes_com-leader-2','ezslot_13',132,'0','1'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-therelationshipnotes_com-leader-2-0_1');.leader-2-multi-132{border:none!important;display:block!important;float:none!important;line-height:0;margin-bottom:7px!important;margin-left:auto!important;margin-right:auto!important;margin-top:7px!important;max-width:100%!important;min-height:50px;padding:0;text-align:center!important}Its a question that many people ask themselves, and it does not have a clear answer. I cant believe you didnt address that. I do think the LW should encourage her daughters interest in her father and her fathers hobbies, because I think thats good parenting in general. I assumed my mom was always just mom like. I remember our reaction (me and my bro) when we found out she liked Led Zeppelin . That being said, its important to have fun hobbies, and I agree with their is a balance. I helped with yard work. Crazy-makers often give up the love they most desperately need when they feel any sense of an obligatory payback. Encouraging both of them to try more and be respectful would be a good start. oh, wait - his father wanted nothing to do with him for years. meadowphoenix Well-intentioned, devoted partners of crazy-making people can become obsessed with trying to find the magic potion that will make their partners happy and appreciative of their efforts. Hold on there, NKOTB are STILL awesome! Or find something neutral. I didnt get the sense that the LW is only liking or disliking things to get closer to her daughter. I mean, people always try to paint themselves in the best possible light and their opponent in the worst. And like I said above, I like the idea of assignments to widen your daughters horizons. Dad was self-centered and pretty vain. Did nobody notice this in the OPs letter? Again, no. And some of that happens by making fun of your child. Twin Flame & Soul Mate Guide, 22 Things You Should Know in Dating Latino Men: What To Expect, Dating Canadian Men: 22 Things You Should Know & What To Expect, Dating Australian Men: 22 Things You Should Know & What To Expect, Dating American Men: 22 Things You Should Know & What To Expect. Your email address will not be published. Distance In Relationship With Grown Child - Focus on the Family Anyway, a person shouldnt be forced to read something they find boring, but I think that its reasonable for the dad to try to encourage that so that she grows up knowing theres stuff outside of her pop culture interests. At a certain point you just have to laugh at all the differences and enjoy the fact that the other person is having a good time! If he feels like thats going to impede their time together, then fine, youre off the hook. Hopefully, when he sees that it's his entire family that is worried, he'll see that change is needed. When I was 12 I thought New Kids on the Block was a real legitimately talented band. You have to admit, its kind of fun catching and reeling in the fish. July 2, 2013, 12:57 pm. Its great to have an involved parent, but its also good to take a step back and take time for yourself and your marriage. What kind of history and science is your husband into? He should show her that he can make an effort to enjoy her interests and encourage her in the same spirit to enjoy his. July 2, 2013, 11:25 am. But science fiction and fantasy can deal with the mature themes with a nuanced perspective- some of the stories in Star Trek were written to to deal with historical events like WWII. Her mission is to share practical and realistic parenting advice to help the parenting community becoming stronger. and hes an attorney, and Im sure the rest of the family wants to stab us). Heck, I even had a stringer attached to my waders. Seems to notice every bad thing they do but rarely praises. He said he wasnt hungry and why would I think hed want to eat after a rotten day? . You may need to have a conversation with your husband and daughter separately to get to the bottom of whats going on. The dad cant have it both ways being rude while demanding respect and attention. But it isnt you guys against him. Other times it means standing up for yourself and telling both sides what you think. I strongly agree with this. I second this. To me, those things just come along with being part of a family. Terms & Conditions . This time is precious and its fleeting, and its understandable that you want to be well, greedy with it. Honestly, I think those first two sentences were the best point Wendy made. Your dad was probably not rolling his eyes and making disparaging remarks about your interests. Id love to hang out with her. Other times, you may have felt you were doing everything right to get a predictable outcome, but your efforts were unproductive or even erased. I think it would seem less like forcing if he wasnt being a dictator about other things I mean maybe if she could listen to her music or a Harry Potter book on tape in the car on the way camping the daughter would be in a better mood , Marjoralynnia If LWs husband is making LWs daughter think that shes less of an awesome person for not having the skills he wants her to have, instead of saying these skills will make her a more awesome person, than thats probably the main reason shes pulling away. How are those pre-teen interests? You raised a very good point that I didnt even mention. Look, Im sorry, but your hand here is rather plainly seen. Interested in science? She has to do something she doesnt like from time to time. Some of our partners may process your data as a part of their legitimate business interest without asking for consent. The LWs husband sounds like my father. I mean when she was a toddler did he demand that the Disney tunes never be played in favor of classical!?! July 2, 2013, 1:32 pm. My father did not indulge in those with me but we had a great relationship. Like my sister loves Elvis, because my parents use to always listen to the Elvis hour on Sundays on the local oldies station, I didnt like Elvis then, so choose not to listen to it, I put my walkman on with Metallica, and Red Hot Chilli Peppers in it. And that is kind of ok out of respect, if he hands me the remote, I put on things hed like, not what i like. You dont have to love Justin Bieber and Broadway to just ask the kid why she loves it so much. That sounds awful, Im, so sorry. My Husband Is An Angry Parent And I Hate It - Scary Mommy Just because FOX cancelled Firefly doesnt mean its not awesome anymore. An example of data being processed may be a unique identifier stored in a cookie. If you have any concerns that your husband is driving your daughter away, be sure to talk to him about it. BtVS not mature and intelligent? Same thing with intellectual or cultural topics. This can cause a lot of tension in the family. Obsessed with dolls? July 2, 2013, 12:15 pm. Obviously the ex spent a lot of time with his family (20 years) as they had a lot of gatherings. Asshole My son had his wedding days ago. As your confusion increased, you probably felt a stronger need to make things happen the way they should, while your partner accused you of obsessively tracking his or her every move.
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