If she isnt satisfied in bed, it could be that shes tired of initiating intimacy only to be left wanting. At age 69, were certainly way beyond the procreation stage. Q. Menopause and hot flashes have taken my sex life away. But now living with you is not what she thought it would be and she closes shop on you. My doctor keeps a close eye on me too. Important note: The only way to find out exactly why your wife is not interested in sex is to ask her yourself. She will sit in bed on her phone though. Be grateful you were able to find someone in life to love and be loved by, many of us take this for granted not realizing how many lonely people there are out there who were never as lucky as we have been. I finally asked him he said I was crab and mad all the time, I have a lot of pain and take a lot of meds sometime, and yes I am very unhappy with my life, but I try to hid it. Its incredibly painful!!!! However, whenever one spousewithdraws from the other, there is always a risk of your marriage being almost over. I must be cursed. Wow. Very few people in my club and I sincerely hope not many more people join, Mike G, Dear Joan, Career-wise, shes doing better than me, so hes likely out-of-my-league anyway. She actually told me that my friend who went through a similar situation was in need of therapy because his wife caught him watching porn. Please help. I take it religiously, because it helps me in the gym and with mental clarity. Each time she claims to like having sex, but is just tired! Would you like to see more questions and answers? Unfortunately a couple of years ago I was diagnosed with prostate cancer and under went surgery that shut me don sexually (I couldnt even masturbate any more) This has killed all hope we had to try and have a sexually normal marriage. The counselor ABSOLUTELY never touched on the subject of sex. The two C words! 16 years being married. our sense of what is expected . I cannot take any form of estrogen and I literally have lost all desire. // IMPORTANT: Replace EXAMPLE with your forum shortname! And I love doggie! It could mean that your wife is experiencing changes in her mental health or there is an unresolved issue in your relationship. The Journal of Environmental Research and Public Health. So, your wife has told you that her ex didn't treat her that well, yet she chased him. I do, however, feel like absolute shit about the negative impact on my husband who is six years younger than me and who has always had a high (higher than mine, anyway) sex drive. What is the solution? He snores so he sleeps in his own bedroom. If that's true for your marriage, your wife may be holding onto some resentment over the imbalance. A lack of time and attention will naturally cause distance to creep into the marriage, which will take its toll on your sex life too. Got lost there. Nothing, I mean nothing, kills a relationship, a marriage, a union, more thoroughly than complacency and boredom. He is impotent due to hydrocele and he plans to have surgery until hes 65. Its such an insult to your wife when you guys do that and .makes us ashamed of our bodies especially after having your baby we will never get our bodies back the same way it was before we got pregnant and you watching porn with photoshops were women to look at if they really look like that makes us feel you are body shaming us. Be patient with her as she works on herself, and the two of you refocus on your marriage. Really connect. She would never agree to an open relationship and I shouldnt be unhappy. . We have never had oral sex, partly because she informed me she had contracted fenital herpes from a prior relationship, but was under control. Shes happen because we dont have sex or have any form of intimacy. I dont know why Im still here. I do raise the issue with her from time to time. If your wife seems distant, take a step back to analyze where you may have gone wrong or why you feel like she cannot trust you again. My husband has showed be very no closen in for years. I guess my story isnt as bad as many. He is 69 (as am I) and weve been married 39 years and for him sex is a thing of the long past! Im gonna ask you a serious question please be honest. As far as the guy I liked, nothing ever came of it. She has her own retail business, which cash flows, but has hasnt turned a profit in the last 5 years. LoL. Reaching orgasm can become difficult or seem impossible.". "Feeling expected to have sex a certain way, or feeling like you need to have intercourse if you explore desire with your partner, can actually strangle a woman's libido over time.". I do most of the household chores, she doesnt work outside the home, and hasnt since weve been married i constantly compliment her looks,I have been striving for decades to woo her, and sex is now completely off the table, and she wont even cuddle or kiss. And cheating isnt an option either. We have tried many times and many ways to lose weight, but his belly doesnt change much and hes passed his growing stage of life. I had a few clients who had a baby and found it difficult to start getting physically intimate with their spouses again because theyre not comfortable with their bodies, says Gopa. Arthritis: No Cure, But Ways to Ease the Pain. Better than NO sex of any sort for 10+ years, and being rediculed for masturbating. she tolerates oral sex only minimally due to some sensitivity she can never explain. What men want is for her to have some of that drive back. BIG ZERO, NADA FOR 18 MONTHS NOW! Again, he has no interest in sex and doesnt even like me seeing him naked say getting out of the shower, or undressing, etc.. And, he remains curled up and turned away from me in bed at night. The wife does not want to start sex and me asking her OVER and OVER and OVER got to her and her rejections and excuses got to me felt like there is always some excuse. Can we please talk about how we each feel about sex in our relationship? Take stock of all the good things you still have in your relationship that you might not find again. Wills comment is more true than not (and certainly not far from true). She told me that women need estrogen their whole lives, not just up to menopause. And Ive been caught too. She needs you to see the world from her eyes and to understand her perspective. It takes two. But. All rights reserved. It is not the loss of testicles as much as the loss of the prostate gland. At first when we were dating this were fine. My thoughts are I need to end my current marriage so I can MoveOn. struggles or clinical depression? I dont want to sleep in separate rooms or even separate beds. that you would love to have *that* him back in your life. Feeling like my wife never initiates intimacy is incredibly frustrating. Awful!!! Hopefully, you now know just what to work on, with the help of the reasons why your wife never initiates physical contact. She know eccatly what shes doing. It literally saved my marriage and maybe my life. And ur right it is really screwed up knowing u might not get laid again or when that might be. Thank you for sharing! Every month Senior Planets award-winning senior sexpert Joan Price answers questions about everything from loss of desire to solo sex and partner issues. I am desperate. That you are incapable or unwilling to engage in a relationship with a woman as an equal says a lot more about you than it does about marriage. If thats the case, try to build a successful relationship after cheating; own up to your mistakes, have a heart-to-heart conversation with her and assure her that its all in the past. Regardless of the reason your wife has pulled away from you, you must confront the situation. He masterbates quite often and I have come home to find him watching porn on the couch and masterbating. I appear to have some value to her as a friend, roommate, handyman, gardner, earner, companion, but not in any intimate way. Be loving. I set up a Revenge cheat. So, get your act together, start showering in the evenings, put on some cologne for her and, most importantly, keep things well groomed and hygienic down there. In other cases, it can also be if youve betrayed her trust in the past. I didnt either with my late husband Too much cheating etc. . I mean, we have a nightly generic kiss and slight hug say goodnight. First, do not deny your needs any more than you would deny yourself your favorite food, movie, book or music. If your wife never initiates affection, its time to take the pressure off. Somehow I thought that would be my fix. Ive moved on!!! She saw her doctor and prescribed a lube but it irritated her. When women say that theyre exhausted, men can often take it as a personal rejection without realizing that she woke up at 5 a.m. We have been Maries for 26 years. I love it communicate, tell her how you feel. But here I sit.pissed off. Your situation is my situation ! But we dont have sex or make love or anything you want to call it! He tries to manipulate me about everything and after 30 years of marriage I am over it. Learning how to communicate and experience life myself . When I wanted to leave, the only family I had told me theyd not support me whatsoever and just shut up grow up and deal with it and Id better do whatever it took to keep the husband. The situations here are not just issues for straight couples. Here's What To Do If Your Partner Doesn't Want Sex Anymore - Elite Daily Is the meds freak Im a woman that actually wants it my newlywed husband has no interest but I can tell he feels bad but hes ex military so hes to prideful to get pills Im 41 i been told a lot that Im beautiful .. ok not going there but I know Im a catch but even making him food in a nighty doesnt work he says wow babe thanks am like . I am 66 and my wife is 62. Whether male or female, each of us made a promise to love and honor our partners either through marriage or by living together. Just get out Stan. . . So I cheat. I am 64 now and have had some vaginal atrophy, which made penetration hurt, but I take a vaginal pill twice a week. We had sex once last year and it had been a while prior to that, but she told me that due to the pain and all, she doesnt want to do it any more. Being a mom is a 24-7 job with a constant cycle of happiness, stress, and worry. For example, nonsexual touching, which includes kissing, cuddling, and hand-holding, can make people feel . We have not slept in the same room for years because of his snoring. Copyright 2023 Older Adults Technology Services, Inc. All rights reserved. I was disabled when she met me, so Im it cant be because of money. Not many people enter their senior years wit an active sex life, some do, but not many. If these thoughts are not at the forefront of your relational mind, well, your (our) love(s) and relationships may in fact die. The last time I had sex was in 1997. Invariably, its a case of emotional intimacy missing. Your wife has become conscious of her body, 8. That partner who ignores your tears and tender pleas do not seem to mind your needs going unmet. Sadly that BIG thing was Give Up Sex and just get over it. She mentioned that I find a sex partnerI dont know. He shows no interest or emotional desire to engage in sex or affection. Also, look into the idea of responsive desire and make sure you understand it. However, if both partners are not okay with a sexless marriage, your relationship wont survive. He has no interest. We went to a number of therapists but none were able to help. Still, I was ready to jump back into things in the bedroom. She cut me off completely about 10 years ago and refuses to even talk about sex when I try to bring it up. Run why stay? Is it something we should split over? Our sex life slowed, separated, and each found partners. But this past 6 months I see things slipping and I feel we are not getting that closeness and are becoming more distant even though we do many things together. I *must* woo my wife, always. I hear a lot of men on here talk of leaving their wives over this. My husband and I separated recently. Sexual intimacy is kissing, hugging, touching, petting, laying baked, masturbating one another, oral sex and that look of intensity that tells you that you are desired. We have tried everything ( I mean everything ) but nothing seems to work and Im getting desperate! Well, our partners dont seem to care they are hurting us. I respect your right to your opinion, but to say that an egalitarian relationship always ends in dysfunction & misery is unfounded and far from true. This isn't a tit-for-tat sort of thing, though. I like to think there is hope but unsure. If theres no intimacy in your marriage from your wife and youve realized that she may be suffering through mental health issues, Bonobologys panel of experienced therapists can help guide your partner through this turbulent time, and perhaps re-establish the harmonious relationship you yearn for. Lets discuss some of the most frequently asked questions related to what to do if your wife never initiates intimacy. It literally changed our lives. This is how civilizations are built. Shes taking care of the house and shes working as well. Men, if you want sex and the answer at home is no, you can accept that the last time you had sex will be it until you die. Ive been led to believe Im the selfish one for thinking of leaving just over sex. Underlying medical problems But connection and intimacy, and yes even sex, IS a need for many. Because I have no suggestions as to how to change things. All that said, unless your wife has a known health condition that she's currently managingor she's had a very sudden and significant change in her sex drivedon't assume that her lack of interest in having sex with you means something is medically wrong with her. Start by considering and working through any and all interpersonal, emotional, and relationship issues. (she has seen a councelor) and she this has gone on for years and may take years to heal and maybe I will never heal. Sex for men is like passing gas or eating: its just a physical thing that needs to get done. Yow..I am a 32 year sober alcoholic and thought I had a slight case of ED..but the mens clinics determined thats not the case..its the flat and lifeless attitude I am getting from my wife that kind of keeps things limp. When someone Denys you something so fundamentally important, it is Not Cheating to I sense for it to get all the way to her not wanting to be touched whatsoever at all anymore, something must have happened. It seems a waste in the end. "The typical, goal-oriented 'round-the-bases' approach to sex doesn't inspire, arouse, or satisfy women," relationship coach Bez Stone writes at mbg. Not only are you missing out on some fun in the bedroom, but most importantly, youre missing that intimate connection it creates with your wife. Either something happened that made her feel that way or shes lying. Nothing is out of bounds! It is time to say, I am horny as hell, and I am tired of pretending I am not because I am over 50!. It might be seen as an act of charity on the womans part, but is it really a healthy recipe for life? Even books on men not wanting sex place the responsibility on the woman. To answer your question from my 69-year old, male POV: Its all about the woman needs not the man. My situation isnt as severe as many here. He wanted to break the monotony in the relationship, but she simply wouldnt open up. Is it me or does it seem like sex therapists and experts are lacking, some seem hedonistic? We havent had sex in 6 months and she has rejected my advances numerous times. A husband must shoehorn that sex drive into the confines of marriage, where only his wife can accommodate it. not someone to basically jerk off into. Sorry Mate. My hubby is one happy camper. When having sex she has to do most of the work especially when it takes him 45 minutes to get hard and all she wants to do is go to sleep because tommorow will come before she knows it or if one of the kids wakes up because they couldnt sleep or they are sick. After the Revenge cheat she had the nerve to This is really excellent advice. Not you at all by the sounds of it. So the time has come to find a willing older gal and have an affair and feel alive and like a man again A year or two is nothing. Just like mental health, physical well-being is also essential for women to feel sexually charged up. Stay single, young men, Marriage is not for you. If done with the full knowledge of both partners, and always using safe sex, this would provide another solution to their dilemma. Regards Glenn. I go where I want and do my own thing, theres no where are you going, screaming and name calling. She likely doesn't want you to touch her bc whenever you do it leads to an implied intimacy interaction she doesn't want. I am sorry but I think thats just nuts. I fear I will never know physically intimacy again in this marriage, I keep holding out hope, which is why I stay. I still love my husband because our relationship doesnt revolve around sex and we can show each other love and affection in many other ways. Please keep your eyes open for signs she is interested in someone else, such as being secretive, avoiding you, or hitting the gym. I cannot speak for everyone, but I think we are all sexual beings with desire. I suggest to you what I advised Frustrated see a therapist right away. Just had to compliment you on what you are doing for your husband, and I agree that sex makes you feel young again, and believe when you say that your whole body feels like youre in your 20s again. I hate her for cheating me out of sex. But men also have 12-15 times more testosterone than women far higher sex drives and are capable of siring hundreds of times more children than women are capable of bearing. He had at least 9 different jobs, years of unemployment with me working overtime 12 hrs night shifts (RN here). My Boyfriend Doesn't Seem Interested in Me Sexually Anymore: 11 Reasons He's Lost Interest 1. Because of its addictive nature, it rewires the brain by desensitizing you. I would be willing to bet the majority of men in our position have gone above and beyond to save our marriages, only to get a SELFISH wife to deny us to the point that we lose all our self esteem. It is a great resource for relationship help. If the lack of interest in physical intimacy came on suddenly and caught you unawares, it is possible that your wife is involved with another person. One of you simply wants sex more often than the other does. Then tell them what your plans are or not, but do not put your sexual and intimacy needs on hold the rest of your life because it is the sign you love someone. I love her but I need/miss sexual relations, which she's not into. I cant make the same wages I did before my illness, but added to my retirement money, it can get close. We are both active and healthy. Or when she does get in the mood again 45 minutes to get hard and going and he is done like always within a minute and he rolls over and goes to sleep. Im in the same boat. If you feel that my wife never initiates physical contact, you may be wondering if your marriage is doomed. I am 60 soon and dread having to try and start again. He is absolutely wonderful father and husband. Dear, PS Bishislife, If that is the way you feel I will respect that, but I need YOU to understand and RESPECT my needs. Quit excusing inexcusable behaviors by your partners. etc. I totally understand how lingering issues in a relationship make it ridiculously hard to want to have sex. */ Ever again. Only once really in love. Be explicit about your needs and expectations. You should know the truth brother. I dont care what age this happens to a man, somehow the blame goes to the woman for not looking her best,gaining weight, busy with the kids, not willing to give oral sex and the list goes on and on. You may be ok with the situation youve created.. thats one thing, but to act as though youre merely tolerating the situation as a martyr is pure BS. If the marriage has made you take your personal hygiene for granted, this lax attitude could be a total turn-off for her. You talk about your wife not being in the mood. Thats an elusive state when were not driven by our hormones. Weve never had an argument about it, because Im always careful not to sound like Im accusing her. She knows this but never initiates. My beliefs are that I cannot step outside my marriage and commitment and it cost me some very good relationships with other women. Youre describing my dilemma to a tee. In good times, sex it a wonderful way to give and receive love. If you build sex up to be a giant deal, youre putting pressure on both you and your wife. I have never, nor will I ever cheat. Thank you, Harry. How to Deal with a Sexless Marriage - Senior Planet from AARP Makes me happy Im not married. Medication also he ls good to me but his hobby ls everything to him he jokes around with me we are like room I wish you well and hope you find some consolation He is a kind man and I love him. With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. Join as many groups as you can, and leave him at home. I quit sex because I didnt want to put with name calling and her being boring. We does not seeem to need to hug or cuddle either. i rejected it, because I have become detached, unhappy and frustrated. Thats it, you said it thats what the woman loves. If your wife doesnt feel confident about her physical appearance, she may have inadvertently shut down your sex life. Its dinner cooked and eaten together, with enjoyment on both sides. I said well, (while pointing to my head) by the time you heal I will have checked out up here, I will be looking at women and wondering if they would be fun to be with. Most women find us as nothing more then a sex pig. For the months it was possible, I felt like a real man again, and much stronger at home and work. Womens inherent nesting instinct naturally shifts their focus to family and kids, and this may, in turn, affect the mind space she can allocate to you and sexual desires. I think if my husband was interested in sex, even if it is too small and limp now, he would at least try to help ease my throbbing desire. She is my sister as far as Im concerned not my lover and I dont know what to do. Needless to say, both of us are feeling a renewed awareness of who we were and now are. We just share our acerage, her in the house and I have a place with my dettached out building. I try to get used to it. If divorce is not an option then get involved outside the home. I actually envy those that are single. She is 33. * THE SECTION BELOW TO INSERT DYNAMIC VALUES FROM YOUR I just dont understand. Virtually every woman Ive been with, and there werent that many, experienced a lot of discomfort with me penetrating them no matter how gentle and slow I took it, with or without lube, and regardless of how excited they were). Spice up your appearance. Lame! Most of my female friends in their sixties are married to men who just stopped having sex, wanting sex, initiating sex or any kind of intimacy. The sex was great but found I was working most years 2 jobs, supporting the house hold 3 kids. I refuse to live out my life not feeling special. I have spent most of my life not being spoiled by anyone. Counseling is usually the way out but unfortunately most people in a relationship dont want to go that route (or at least one of them doesnt). Furthermore the AFIB and some remaining heart failure issues make sex not safe to engage in, even if counseling could resolve our relationship issues from the past. Neither partner should have to feel obligated to satisfy the other out of some outmoded quasi religious relief or instruction, my wife is wonderful in many ways but now has reached, she believes, a stage[67] where she has no desire, except release masturbation , thats my misfortune but I try to understand. But, as we have read many time here, that it is OK for the woman/wife to force her husband into a sexless marriage. Sometimes losing interest in sex with your spouse is a symptom of losing interest in the relationship overall. At your age, dont run until you exhaust all your options. * LEARN WHY DEFINING THESE VARIABLES IS IMPORTANT: I feel like its just my life now. There is one other medical condition relating to touch called allodynia. Im 65 and just want a happy, peaceful existence and I cope with EVERYTHING 100% , except sex. She was before marriage. Im 57 and my husband is 56 years old. Ive lived through a sexless marriage myself. 39 TRUST ME RUN Dont walk Dont ruin your life!!!! I understand. Share This: Have a question about relationships and sex for seniors? I cant believe a respected Sex Therapist has Keep Masturbating as an answer. And I am one of those. The best thing to do when y our partner doesn't want to be intimate is to ask them about it, point blank. Meanwhile. Having said that, it still stinks. So no, this was not the place to blow your horn. And yes thank goodness for self stimulation but what I wouldnt give for a womans touch!!! Weekly turned into Monthly then every 3 or 4 months question about sex. I have come to that conclusion also. So, while some continue to coax and prod their spouses to get them in the mood, others resign to fate and either make peace with a sex-starved existence or look for gratification elsewhere. Go out and kill a hog, punch a younger guy in the face, ride a harley, do a steroid cycle. Fully. Loved and desired! It will only create more distance between you. At least you go that far to keep your marriage happy, intake, blessed. And I suffer. I grew up ramming into me that Im there for husbands sole desire. It got to the point that he wanted sex badly and was about to lose his mind. Like I have a total stranger as a house guest. If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married. Your Wife Seems Uncomfortable When You Initiate Foreplay. And feel that what ls what the real problem ls ,should l just exsept this he said lt to uncomfortable to have sex due to his prostate he never touches me l own the house but now he says he wants to put lt ln a trust ,as lf l die he gets lt and visa versa can u help me ,he hates talking about lt but made lt clear lt was not me but his prostate he ls also on. (Side note: why do women get to have multiple organisms?). Having married one of the well into that 34% is hell. When theres a disconnect and communication gaps that lead to resentment, the hostility will make itself apparent in some way or the other, says Gopa. I only wrote this, to just say it. When a wife who has to cook, clean, take care of the kids, do the laundry, pick the kids up from school and take a couple of classes she is too tired to perform another task after all that she has done in one day. Weve been married for six years now and its been an abusive relationship in all types of way. Ask your wife what she likes and what would be sexy and pleasurable for her. only will your wife not want to touch you, but you probably wont want her to anymore. My Wife is Not Affectionate Anymore | The Modern Man
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